The Beginning

I really wish I had started this Day 1, or the Day before Day 1, but that's a matter of 20/20 hindsight which we all know is not possible in the moment.

An Introduction to Me

The basics: 

I am a 34 year old, work from home, married, mother of two, and I am a recovering Unhealthy Food Choice Addict.  I'm not sure how people normally label it, but that's what I'm going with.  I feel like there should be  a 12 step program, I feel like my past 30 years of poor food behavior is just as dangerous as it is to be an alcoholic or have other addictions.  It may seem a bit extreme to you for me to say it but it's just as deadly, harmful to others, some of us hide our behavior in public, we make up excuses to cover for our choices, and to kick the habit you need to be in the right frame of mind to make good choices and stop the denial.

The past:

I do believe my path to poor eating started in my childhood.  The only ever conversations about food choices took place in school health class, and were not something I paid particular attention to.  My parents didn't discuss our eating habits, and I do not blame them for where I am today because I understand that as a parent there is no real manual- they did the best with what they knew.  Our main dinners were Meat, Potato, and corn- i do not remember any other veggie choices other then occasional broccoli.  Until the age of 29, when I started making homemade babyfood for my son, I had never had 90 percent of the fruits/veggies out there.  From the looks of my sister and I as kids and teenagers you would never think we had any food issues- we were quite lean.  I spent a lot of time working out and taking martial arts classes, but I had donuts every morning for breakfast, dessert with every lunch, and  ice cream after every martial arts class. Eventually, as most of us know, that sort of eating catches up to you.

The downward spiral:

My downward turn started with a hip injury in the military- I had joined the Army at the age of 17 and was an MP.  With the hip injury there was a lot of time on crutches and in physical therapy- just about a year, and by then I had already started packing on the pounds.  I don't know what would have happened if that injury hadn't happened- I'd like to think I would have stayed active, but I don't think it matters- I think at the end of the day I would still be in the position I am today- I might not have gained weight as quickly, but I would have been unhealthy all the same.  Post military- I was honorably discharged due to my injury, I went into college and packed on the freshman pounds- the dining hall privileges did not help the cause- endless buffet of all sorts of yummy bad foods and desserts.  By my senior year I was engaged and we got married a 3 months after graduation.  By February I was pregnant and that's about the time my thyroid called it quits.  Between the pregnancy and my sudden hypothyroidism I hit a high around 180lbs (during the military I was 114 and all muscle, I'm 5ft 3).  I didn't really manage to lose any weight after having my daughter- I didn't really try.  We were eating lots of fast food since I didn't know how to cook, and my hip hurting and a newborn to look after was a great excuse.  It was during that time that I started having migraines.  It wasn't often maybe 2-3 days out of a month but that was their first occurrence.

Things amp up:

In 2007 I had my son. Things were fine at first- I felt good post pregnancy.  My weight after having him went down to 190, the height of my pregnancy I hit 211.  About 6months after having him I decided to work on my weight. For a year I exercised twice a day, counted and weighed every calorie and lost 55lbs.  Then the migraines/vertigo hit hard.  I kept eating proper amounts of food and skipped the snacks- for 6 weeks I was constantly at the doctor trying to end the migraine and vertigo- but they stayed - I couldn't keep food down, it felt like I was dying the way the world swirled constantly.  I couldn't work out, I could barely function.  But finally after 6 weeks of hell it stopped- and some how I had gained 24lbs back.  In a blink of an eye 6 months of work, fighting tooth and nail to lose each pound was wasted.  The migraines and vertigo at that point showed up 2-3 days a week.  I was bounced from medication to medication trying to find the right stuff to manage them daily, and there were pills to take when they came anyway.  I was depressed, I was angry, I felt cheated.  What a waste of time.  Two years I lived with migraines 2-3 days a week- and then something happend... they got worse.  Suddenly out of the blue I barely had a day or two a week without the migraines or vertigo which always seemed to follow them.  More meds.  More doctor's appointments.  More depression.  More pounds.  That was 3 years ago- and it never got better.  At one point I was taking 17 pills a day to stop the migraines and still they would come at least 3 days a week.  There was no reason it seemed, every test from sleep apnea to crazy vestibluar tests to MRIs- there was no obvious reason.  It just was.  When my migraines came they were brutal- I have a narcotic and a barbituate to take when they come- yes both- and still often I'd need a shot to stop throwing up and a shot to stop the migraine on top of the pills.  I have low blood pressure- but during a migraine it skyrockets- more meds, more side effects- hallucinations, dry mouth, fainting- it was a game of which is worse, what do I tolerate so I can make it through another day.  I hate taking medications.  I always have.  Each doctor visit meant more pills to take- oh you're still having them?  Let's increase that dose, and add in another.  As of a month and a couple days ago my weight sits at 207.  Obese.

The switch:

The last day of August I woke up in the morning and saw a message from my sister- I don't remember what it said- it really doesn't matter.  I was dialing her number as I walked into my bathroom to get to my closet and was thinking about asking her about quitting smoking for the 100th time (she's always going to do it soon), I bug her about it because I love her, I want her to live a long and healthy life.   Before I finished dialing I had stopped in front of my bathroom mirror and all of a sudden looking up I felt slapped in the face with a thought.  She's killing herself potentially with smoking- what are you doing with food?  Isn't the junk and huge portions just as deadly for me, the obesity just as deadly for me as her smoking habit is for her?  I know you can say it's not the same, smokers hurt other people too with their second hand smoke, and they are addicted and addictions are hard to kick, I've heard a lot of arguments in the past month, but I feel like it is just as bad- my husband and kids are eating the same way I am- it's damaging them too.  I feel like food is an addiction, I'm always looking for more and tastier and filling that craving.  I'm an addict.  I'm doing harm to myself and those around me.  I need to change.

Duh!

I knew I was overweight, I knew it was unhealthy, I knew all of the facts you see and read about, I knew diabetes was probably in my future- I logically knew all along all of this stuff- but it was not until that exact second that it "clicked".   I stopped dialing her and got on the computer.  I started Google-ing what move to make, how to fix things- how to change NOW.  I wasn't going to wait for better timing, I wasn't going to say no- why bother I could have a migraine today or tomorrow and undo any changes I worked toward in an instant.  It didn't matter anymore- those excuses while valid and real were suddenly some of the reasons to change, not the roadblock to change.

The start of something seemingly impossible:

I'm a meat lover, I'm a seafood lover, I love my dairy, I love my food.  That day I set a goal for myself- I was going to spend the next 30 days as a vegetarian and see if I could make that a change, possibly for the rest of my life.  It seemed impossible, it seemed too hard- so I challenged myself just to 30 days, it seemed realistic, it still seemed hard, but doable at least.  I spent the day doing research and taking notes and then I dropped the bomb on my husband- "baby I'm still going to cook for you and the kids, but I'm going to cook vegetarian for me, and this is why..."  He said "okay", and was quiet, but then said something else- "I don't want you to cook separately, do it for all of us and we'll see how it goes."  My jaw about hit the floor.  My steak loving hubby was willing to give up MEAT?   Yup.

Busy Busy Busy:

Now there are a lot of websites out there and a lot of documentaries etc about going vegetarian and why- but I refused to look at them until I felt like I could do it.  I don't want something to scare me into making a change, I want my own reasons to be enough to make the change.  September, no lie was hard.  I was constantly researching- I wanted our food to be well balanced especially for the kids. I needed to find new cooking techniques, new recipes, a new thought process about food and fight my urges.  Friends were not as supporting as I hoped.  Most of the time they rolled their eyes and told me how unhealthy it was for me to be doing this.  I get why they were upset- our friends are always at our house- since learning to cook after my daughter was born- I became good at it- really good at it.  Never fail every day of the week, someone was over to eat with us.  It was always a bummer if I didn't cook because the migraine was too bad- now I wasn't going to be cooking that food they grew to love??  I get it.  The first week of the change- I realized I could do this.  Every recipe I made I could actually eat and enjoy.  The hubby agreed.  I felt empowered. I pushed myself harder, researched more and decided to up it to whole foods/vegan.  I think most people would agree that maybe I was doing too much too fast.  I can see that, however the way I was feeling it felt right.

It's not as easy as it seems:

By the 3rd week I was feeling like it was a struggle again.  My friends were not getting better, I had made a dish that we didn't like, there were constant commercials on tv about the food I couldn't eat if I stuck to my plan, it dawned on me that Thanksgiving would be here soon and what do you do without a turkey?  It was hard to find what I needed at local stores, and I had to drive to a whole foods store 40 minutes away, the hubby with business travel was freaking about because there never seemed to be anything for him to eat. It was HARD.  We didn't quit.  We made it through, we communicated with each other and reassured each other.  Our kids- didn't even have a clue that they were eating any differently.  Over the course of the past month it's been an emotional rollercoaster, but we stayed fast, and we made it.  Before the 30 days were up we decided we would keep doing this, it was doable.  It was right.  For me even on a hard day it was an easy decision to stick to- in 32 days I have only had 1 migraine.   ONE.   I don't think it's a coincidence that the day my friend cooked for me and being a good friend I ate the canned, processed meal without a complaint.  To go from 80 percent of my month stuck in migraine land to only one Day- it feels like a miracle to me. 

Outward bound:

We've been testing the waters- we've gone out to eat a few times and that is stressful and hard.  I've also told our friends that we're sticking to this- and that I don't expect them to do anything different for me- they can eat as they like and I won't secretly hate them for it or anything- and I will take care of my own meals.  For me- there isn't a food out there worth 1 day of migraine let alone the amount I was having.  I have no idea why the migraines quit- it could be any number of things in the food I was eating.  It could be preservatives, colors, sugars- who knows, I don't need to know.  I just need to keep going.  I am not here to "turn" anyone, I don't do lectures- if you want to know why the food most people eat is bad for you- you can find the facts, weigh them against your own life and needs and do the research just as easily as I did.  If you ask me why I'm doing it, sure I'll tell you, but that's not what this is about.  This is for people, like me- who need that support on hard days, this is a place where you know someone else is right there with you.  This is a place I hope I can make things easier for all of us.

Hide and Seek:

Based upon my past month of experiences I plan to start locally and document grocery stores, and restaurants and post what is available here for people like me. I personally hate that I got seated at Applebees to find out they don't have even one Vegetarian dish on their menu- not even one salad.  It's unrealistic for me to not eat out- and I know whole foods/vegan it might be impossible to find in my area- so I'm giving myself permission when I eat out to have dairy if need be (cheeses everyone uses cheeses), but I want to know where I can go and have OPTIONS, and I don't mean telling the waitress to make my dish without the meat and still having to pay full price- if you don't want me as a customer it's fine by me, someone out there does- and I will let you know who they are.

Spill it:

If you own a store, restaurant, or farmer's market etc and have organic, vegetarian, vegan options- please do share and I will happily add you to my list- it doesn't matter if you aren't in my area, someone out there is probably looking for you.  I would greatly appreciate specific information- Business name, contact number, address, website, menu, info on if you use organic products, offer meat alternatives- tofu etc- is it non-gmo?  The more info the better.  I will be linking this page to my website as soon as it's finished for an easy way to keep track and find you.  While I will do it alone if need be, I appreciate helpers too =).

OMG shut up already:

Hopefully this is the longest post I write- I know you all have things to do, I certainly do.  Thanks for reading, commenting, or passing me along- I could use the company.


Organically,
        Me