It's not you, it's me. No wait, it's you.

 The subnote:

If you're here, then you want to hear me talk about this whole foods/vegan thing- if you don't want to hear about it then walk away, because it's all this is about.

 The sub subnote:

I made the following facebook post recently directed to all of my friends and acquaintances, it is purely how I feel- the blog post following is my much more anonymous outlet.  This is a part of making such a big change apparently- it's not what I expected but it is what it is.

"Hi, I'm wholefoods/vegan- all of the food I cook will be whole foods/vegan to the best of my current ability. I will not make a point to say it anymore.   I will not always be able to keep my determination.   I hope my food is good, I hope it's really good and I plan to celebrate it when I find something I can love.  I quite honestly hope the food I now make kicks the ass of anything I use to make, or anything I use to enjoy, because I want to believe I can keep this up for the rest of my life for my own good.  The life change I made is HARD, it's not simple, it's not easy and I will talk about it, and look for support. If you're a friend I appreciate you cheering me on, and happy for me- please do not think my celebrating and happiness is a slight to you or your own cooking- because as a friend I wouldn't do that to you. "

The problem:

I act tough.  I act like I can handle things.  I act like I know exactly what I'm doing, because it is what I need to do in order to keep strong and do what I think is best, even when I'm not sure at all.  This whole vegan/whole foods thing is new to me.  It is by no means easy, it feels 100 times harder now with being away from home- visiting my sister.  I'm in unfamiliar territory without my trusty pantry, and fridge filled with nothing but the- yes you can eat this food.

I, most of the time, am willing to walk away without a word when a friend hurts me- because it's what I've been trained to do.  I've learned over my past 34 years- that if you upset family/friends they walk away.  I've trained myself to avoid that potential as much as possible.  So if you're a friend and you hurt my feelings you probably aren't aware of it at least not much.

This whole food switch as been strange- it's somehow ruffled feathers and upset people that I care about.  This change is about me.  It's not about you.  I know I feed a lot of friends and have done so happily for ages, but seriously this is 100 percent about ME.  I don't need to consult anyone else on this, it's not a gray area- it's about me and my body and how I want to treat it.  I've had sit down convos many times since this began and explained my position and listened to other options.  I apologized for how I made you feel, but I do not apologize for my position or actions- it's not about you, it's about me.

If you don't have migraines or have never had one- you have no idea how I've lived for the past- let's say 5 years since they really ramped up after having my son.  You have no idea.  NONE.  If you had lived as I have the past 5 years you'd understand.  I have not lived as you the past however many years, I did not live your experiences- so while I accept you have had certain experiences with food etc and am happy to listen- I cannot live my life by your past, what you did and how you did it- that was your choice.  I have to make my own.  Why do I research instead of asking all of my friends their thoughts on the food- because I need hard cold facts- and they themselves can be confusing and all over the place.  The info I can get from you is tainted by your experiences and based upon your taste-buds, not mine- it's not helpful. Things change rapidly in all facets of life- including the food industry, so even things you knew a few years ago are not the same.  Me going whole foods/vegan is not the same as you going vegetarian.  Two different beasts.

I'm away, and I hear that still some friends are talking about my change- and how I did it and how quickly I did it and how sick they are of  hearing about it... we've had the talk- i sat down and spoke with all of  you at one time or another, why are you still acting like this is about you?  I told you why I did what.  You're not going to get answers any clearer from other friends then you got directly from me. 

The truth

I don't know what to do anymore- I am throwing my hands up in the air.  I feel like with friends I should be able to celebrate a food wins.  I walk around currently during the day questioning every choice I make.  I look at labels and then look again to make sure I checked everything.  I ponder if I'm getting the kids 100 percent covered nutritionally,  I fear that the meal I make tonight will be gross. I'm unsure about EVERYTHING.  That's the big secret. I have NO idea if I can do this the rest of my life.  I 1000 percent feel this is what I need to do the rest of my life but facts have little to do with feelings.  I don't know- I'm not as strong or as sure as I seem. Why do I go on about food that turns out good?  Because I need to feel good about it, I need to feel the wins so that when I'm feeling weak I can think back and have something to use to keep me going.  This isn't easy.  My feelings change 100 times over the course of the day.  This isn't going to be how it always is.  I know, understand, that the longer I do this the easier is SHOULD get.  But I am by no means there yet.  When I make something that amazes me how good it is- it gives me what I need to keep going a bit more, it adds one more weapon to my arsenal.  This is is no way a competition.  I need the food I cook now to be just as good or hopefully better then what I use to eat, because that is how it will keep going.  I am not saying- your food sucks- I am not saying my food is better- I am saying Holy shit I made something I can see myself eating the rest of my life - and it won't even feel like I"m being shorted or missing out.  The food- it's not about you, it's about me.  Your feelings about me trying to be happy- that's all you.

Me as a friend:

I'm a damn good friend to have because I will always have your back.  90 percent of the time I will always care more about your feelings then my own.  I will always do whatever I can to make things easier on my friends when I can, I would do practically anything for them.  I have done my best to make things easier for you- I have eaten things that I'm trying not to just because I knew you were trying.  I have eaten things I don't care for because I know you are trying. Boxed stuffing and canned condensed soup do not fall within my diet, I bit my tongue when you yelled at me about not wanting to eat something that makes me gag- I am trying.  But I know, now that you have issues with what I'm doing, that you're not going to let go anytime soon.  Fine.  I will do my best to internalize my happiness, wait till you are not around to celebrate.  I will keep quiet about the recipes I'm happy with.   I will not tell another friend about an amazing dish I made last night if you're in the room.  I will shut my mouth and not offer another word about being vegan if I can help it, but your part in this deal means you need to accept my "no thank you" without argument when I turn down something you make.  I am willing to do this because I want to keep you as a friend- and that means I don't want to hear anymore about an hour long rant about my new habits.  This is the 4th time, that is why I sat down and openly talked to you.  I tried to end it that way.   That wasn't enough, fine.  I accept that you and your personal issues need to come first in your life- I will not rub anything in your face, though I'm not sure why you even thought that was what I was doing.  It's not me.  I'm not trying to rock anyone's foundation out from under them when I get excited about being able to make pizza that I actually enjoy.  I'm sorry if it made you feel insecure about your pizza crust- I can't eat yours anymore, I will not be offended if you choose to not eat mine.  It's not about you, it's certainly not in competition with you- but you know what I will always be happy for you if you make something you love to eat.  I would only expect you to be equally happy for me.  I don't make anything in competition- but you know what, I always hope right before the first bite that it's the most amazing things I've ever eaten, because that is what I need to keep going. As a friend I would hope you'd be wishing that for me too.

The end

I need this to be as positive experience as it can for me.  Another talk about it wasn't going to help so I came here to anonymously let it go. You can ask why I would share this personal thing here- Because, apparently, this sort of thing is sometimes a part in making a change to a whole foods/vegan lifestyle, which is what I am here to discuss.  I can equally point out you should have turned back at the first sub-note from what I hear.  I can only change my own issues.  I can only share my own experiences.  To anyone reading my blog- you've been warned changing your food lifestyle does not mean the most difficult parts of the change will be food.  It's not easy, and anyone who says it is is full of shit.